My Dealer

I fell for it…

I allowed my emotions to get the better of me.
Once again I let my heart do all the thinking.
Time and time I keep telling myself that it won’t happen…
Not again,
not anymore.
But there it is…
My heart jumping first in the firing line.
My entire being so eager to get that fix called heartbreak…
It’s like I encourage this emotional mutilation.
Like I want you to break me all over again….
This back and forth,
Let’s start of as friends,
One minute you here next you gone situation kills me.
I no longer get bruised easily I just break into a billion pieces.
The mere thought of you sends me into an emotional ICU.
Sad part is I look forward to that high called heartbreak…
It’s the only way I still get something,
Feel something from you…
You are the only one who can give me that fix and you still fail at it.
You couldn’t succeed in keeping me
And you can’t succeed in giving me heartbreaks…
I keep asking myself what it is i need to do.
I’m addicted to you breaking up with me
You hurting me
You constantly disappointing me…
I looked forward to all of that…
It gave me an all time high,
It kept me connected to you….
And now?
Now I’m all alone
You found new addict to break now that I’m broken beyond repair…

Advertisements

2 a. m thoughts of a broken heart

It’s night like these that I hate most. 

Nights where sleep seems to have run off, 

my brain starts wonder 

and my heart just feels forbidden feelings… 

Nights where I miss you dearly.

Or maybe not you but the things you did.

But then again it could be you that I miss…

But I say it again, I hate nights like these!

Where I yearn for your touch,

Your warmth.

How your heartbeat became a soothing lullaby,

Except now the only sound fall asleep to is my heart shatter.

I remember nights like these where:

Your kisses gave me a rush

The way you held me gave me this high that I couldn’t explain 

we became entwined.

And now nights like this remind me how bad my addiction to you was.

Moments of regret playing over and over like a horrible nightmare.

Flash backs of times where i could have left but didn’t.

I could smell the judgement in the room with just me….

I despise night like these….

They remind me of time where we use to stay up and have the most amazing conversation.

We watched movies and fell asleep during the movie.

We had moments of passion.

Now the only moment I have is my tears meeting my pillow….

It’s nights like these that

I wish I never met you or fell in love.

It’s nights like these that

I feel hatred for you.
It’s nights like these that

I wonder if you feel the pain I feel. 

It’s nights like these that

I could rip out my heart just until all the feeling is gone.
Nights like these are never easy.

Nights like this make you wish you could already see the crack of dawn.

Nights like these will make feel broken and alone.

It’s nights like these that I hate.

The worst feeling about a break up isn’t the time wasted with the person, nor the pain they caused you. The worst feeling about a break up is when you look at yourself and not know who you are any more. The realisation of how much you’ve changed and it isn’t even for the better. The fact that you’ve become the thing you fear or even mock. 

You cry because you broke the one promise you made to yourself, “never change who you are for your partner unless it’s improve you as an individual in or out of a relationship.” You made them centre of you word and worst of all you let them know, that is how you changed. You sacrificed so much of yourself that you have nothing left. You put everything else in your life on hold to make them happy. You broke yourself so you could build them up. 

You created a happily ever after in your head even before you were happy with them. You lost yourself just so they could be found. And where are they now? Where is that same person who “vowed” to be there for you when shit got real? You were there when they we broken, no shattered into piece. You helped them pick each and every piece even though it ment you getting cut in the process. 

The thing that hurts most is you saw it happen, you allowed it to happen, you even turn the blind just to console yourself. And now you’re asking yourself where did we go wrong, what did I do wrong, wasn’t I good enough even when you know the answer. Yes break ups are terrible and they hurt but, the worst thing about a break up is being left with the question, “who am I?”

Stop it!

Stop lying to yourself.

Stop convincing yourself that they will change.

Stop giving them countless chances to do better.

Just STOP!

You’ve heard all the excuses,

You’ve dealt with the betrayal,

You’ve been through the sleepless night of convincing yourself that things will be better.

You have been through the entire cycle, bought the t-shirt, wore the t-shirt till it faded and bought a new one again.

So STOP!

The only thing that will change is their looks and not even for the better.

The only thing that will get better are the excuse for you to take them back.

You gonna drive yourself crazy by having more sleepless nights lying to yourself so you can feel better.

There was life before they came into the picture,

Life continued even when they were around,

And guess what?

Life still continues without them.
Do yourself a favour and put a stop to it

Save yourself and say no

Get your peace of mind back and just block their ass.

Most importantly look at for number one (YOU)