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The moment things get better and it looks like you’re letting go of your bad habits something or rather someone pulls you back. I don’t know how but they somehow undo all the good work you’ve done and in my case I’m back to fixing people and neglecting myself.
I don’t why but it’s just so much easier to deal with other people’s shit rather than your own. I know it sounds messed up and tad bit hypocritical but just being able to tell others how to fix things and pointing out their flaws is like a walk in the park at times. And yes it’s a bad thing but I’m not to blame because they come to me. I’m not the one looking for people or situations to fix they just land on my lap. I try like I really do try to be a sound board so they can fix their own issues, I try to just listen and not say anything but it’s that easy not when fixing is your thing it’s like telling a teacher not to teach. But here’s the bad part in my bettering of other people life situations I forget about me and what I need to fix. I put off the changes I need to make for myself and worry about the other person’s changes going wrong. I let myself fall apart and break into bits and pieces because I can’t always face my own truth. I can’t admit to myself that I have a problem and I need to fix it. It has gotten so bad that I think I’m not certain yet that I’ve might have closed myself off from intimate relationships. Love will come from one direction and I run the opposite. What looks like the right person for me will raise red flags and I will search for what ever it is that is wring just so i csn say “no ways cuz”. So it is definitely bad, I have a problem, I am addicted to fixing others but can’t seem to fix myself.
Or maybe I just don’t want to fix myself

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It’s ok to care

Having to pretend like you don’t care is one of the hardest things that are caring person has to do
The amount of effort you put in not to call or text whenever you’re on your phone is hard.
I know what I’m saying has been said a lot of times but I can’t help but want to emphasise this fact:
It might be easy for the other person to just switch off and move on but when you care the amount of work you have to do is more than you can imagine.
You literally have to change into a new person.
You have to unlearn all the things that you took so long learn.
The healthy habits that make you a good person, you now have to stop so you don’t come across as needy.
So you can’t check up on a person anymore,
You can’t text as often,
You just can’t “be there.”
The only way you can find something out is through statuses and insta stories otherwise you can’t straight up ask what’s going on or if all is well,
And you do all this just so they don’t see you as an insecure person who doesn’t have a life.
You have to find ways to put barriers and obstacles and all kinds of things in front of you just so you don’t come across as a person who’s prying.
Having to teach yourself to be unkind and to mind your own is the most painful thing one has to do especially in a society that filled with more than we can handle on our own. People comfort themselves with the image of “looking strong” in front everyone else that they don’t realise the strength they do possess through people who care about them, the very same people they shut out.
Being a caring person is hard and changing into something that isn’t in your nature is the most painful process to endure. Having to learn and unlearn only to relearn again is a waste of time and you lose the true essence of your being so don’t change but rather walk away when it’s time to walk away it’ll only be their loss.

It’s always been…

Here I go again.
I tried to stop myself.
I tried to hide.
I tried to avoid it.
I tried.
I really did try…
But here I am thinking of our “happily ever after” before things begin.
I’ve already got our wedding planned right down to the T
I’ve got the names of our future babies written down
I know which house we are going to grow old in together
It’s crazy I know
But you
You just make me see a future just by saying hi to me
I feel like I’m ready to have your kids every moment you make a joke.
Call me crazy
But just know you created this crazy
You pushed button that create fantasies about you and I.
You put the thought of forever in my head
It’s not just me…
Its you
No….
It’s us.
I run
You pull me back.
I hide
You find me.
Sad part is you aren’t the first that this happens to.
I’ve had thoughts, dreams and images of happily ever after with other guys.
So it’s not us.
It not you either.
It’s me
It’s always been me.

You can keep walking…

I’m tired
I’m tired of the bullshit
I’m tired of taking blame
I’m tired of having to be the one always take care of people’s feelings.
You know you did something wrong and you’ve apologised but I don’t think you mean it because you are demanding I forgive you personally I don’t see the need for an apology though, I’ve noticed that in this “changed man” you’ve become a lot more sensitive and my comment touched a nerve and accept the fact that i should keep certain comments to myself and I appreciate that you took the time to explain why you caught feelings but there isn’t anything else for me to say coz there’s nothing for me to forgive and the forgiveness you demanding i can’t give coz there’s nothing to forgive. I’ve taken too many risks with you and I’ve learnt my lesson I’m not walking blindly into anything anymore and I’ve been broken and burnt way too many times by the very same people who tell me they love me so I’m sorry that I’m not moving things at your pace and I’m not planning on changing things or doing things the way you want to all because you love me I refuse to demolish the time and energy I’ve spent fixing and rebuild myself and if you can’t accept the person that I’m evolving into then thank you for walking away right now you’ve saved me a whole lot of time and effort.

Security in my Insecurities

I am insecure and I’m ok with it

What people perceive as  humble

Is simply me shying away because I feel like I don’t meet the occasion. 

I hide in the shadows because it’s safer there.

I feel secure in my insecurities. 

It’s easier to say the next person is better since I just can’t bear to receive a compliment.

The thought of someone acknowledging me isn’t something I’d be proud of.

I don’t feel worthy of it,

My insecurities made sure of that…

It’s just so much easier to say I can’t not having tried before.

To nominate someone else although I’m the perfect candidate.

To silence myself before my voice is taken away.

I feel so much better when I’m behind the scenes.

Oh, how comfortable I am in my insecurities

Where “self hate” resides right next to “fear of being humiliated”, 

And not too far of from “putting myself down lane”

Which is opposite “I don’t feel worthy park” where a river called “shame” flows

All safely guarded by a tactical force called insecurities.

I found solace in my insecurities

The one place where comfort shouldn’t exist

I found peace in saying I’m not good enough 

I found relief in thinking I can’t 

I found compassion in being in the shadows 

My insecurities consoled me in a way my securities couldn’t 

I feel safe in my insecurities. 

We were good together.

Like two peas in a pod.

You got me

And I got you.

The perfect partners in crime…

We fell in love

And we loved hard

Till one couldn’t love the other anymore…

Consumed by life and it’s different flavours 

We grew apart 

Became total strangers 

We both thought we found love in different places 

Yet something always pulled us back.

Just not to each other.

So we shied away from love 

We participated in the occasional hook ups….

But we didn’t hook up with each other

Spent meaningless time with meaningless people 

Trying to fill that void we knew no one else could.

All it took was one drunk night

One simple night spent with a “supposed” meaningless person led to

A morning that was ment to be filled with guilt and regret

Turned into a moment of jubilee 

A moment where true love finally conquered…

Finally reunited!

Till it hit us both

“How many times have you done this?”

“Are you with someone? ”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Did you even miss me?”

Overwhelmed with guilt and wondering should we try again .

Somehow we just knew that we it just wouldn’t work out….

But we went for it

The odds were against us

And the evens were for us 

Destined for tragedy we took the wide open road to dooms ville 

Fooled each other and called ourselves rebels

We Were rebels that walked happily into a trap called heartbreak .

You found me and I was still urging to taste the variety flavours… 

You saw a future and I saw convenience

You wanted love and I just couldn’t give it anymore…

You walked away and I pretended it didn’t phase me

Yea we were rebels alright 

So much for a happily ever after 

For me that is

As I watch the one I love, fall in love with someone else…

This isn’t a gender based issue. 

We all have fallen victim of it. 

We’ve all vowed that it would never happen to us but…. It did. 

It really is easy to judge and speak about how it’s done real damage to people until we ourselves go through it. 

Sad part is it leaves us with a whole lot of questions and we end up questioning our own judgement.

So why does it happen, how does it happen, is there even a way to see or sense that it’s happening?

Why do we let relationships, no the person we are in a relationship with change, control and consume us?

I mean we keep “preaching” this thing to everyone one around us especially to young women, “Don’t let your partner know that they are the BE ALL and END ALL in your life or else you’re screwed!” and yet we as the “preacher” do exactly what we said shouldn’t be done and in most cases truth be told as much as I hate saying it, it is women who do this. I don’t know if it’s a curse or we are just stubborn sometimes or we think we are immune to our own advise, I don’t know, what I know is that most of the time women are the ones who change for their partners, women give their partners all the control and women are the one that give their entire being to their partners so they can consume it. And no female can deny this fact, it is a sad and horrible one but it is the truth. There have been many strong, driven, successful women we know that have gone into a relationship and changed total they become weak and insecure women who seek approval from their partners, they only do things that their partners “allow” them to do. All of a sudden everything they work so hard for doesn’t matter anymore because what, because why, because who? 
Are we that insecure that we feel like we need to downgrade ourselves in every way possible just to keep that one person who doesn’t add shit to our lives? Is our thinking so backward that we have to forget who we are and ensure that our partners are the ones who are moving forward and succeeding? 

But like I said in the beginning this isn’t a gender based issue even though it happens mostly with women we can say that man also have the same issue. You find a man who is strong, secure of himself and hard working who will enter into a relationship and they become desperate, over compensating slaves to their partners, they will literally jump head over hills, leaving everything just for their partner who who only calls when they need something… 
Til when? 

Til when are we going to let these people have this effect on us?

Woman start realising your worth. Know that if you have to sacrifice something that is a vital  part of you then they weren’t worthy of ruling your Kingdom with you. Never and I mean never downgrade yourself for someone who doesn’t add value to your life matter of face dint downgrade yourself for anyone at all your life is all about none stop progress!

Man if you ever have to go unreasonably above and beyond for someone who can’t even be there at you lowest then it’s time to cut your losses. Realise that being a man is more than just a title, it is hard work and the sooner you realise that the sooner you’ll find you the support structure for your foundation. Never become anyone’s slave and work towards making progress everyday of your life.

Let’s stop this involuntary change.

The one that got away.

You’re happy now.

You found the one that was ment for you.

I’m happy for you.

But I can’t be happy with you….

You were always the one for me.

I just wasn’t ready for that love that you came with,

Or that’s just what I kept telling myself.

Truth is: 

I was afraid.

I didn’t feel worthy of your love, 

matter of fact I felt like you were too good for me.

Your kisses created a feeling of guilt.

Your touch felt like bees stinging me all over.

Hearing you say I love just killed me.

Hence I became distant.

I pulled away from you.

I needed to cut all ties with you.

I needed to make it seem like we never happened.

But 

We did happen 

We actually had something good going on.

I tried to forget about you and I couldn’t 

You were perfect for me…

I just wasn’t ready for you at that time.

You were the one that got away