Its still there….

That thing…

That thing man…
You know this thing.
That thing that grown folks say it no longer exists.
That if you find it, hold on to it with both hands coz there won’t be any other.
That thing that we young folk say is over rated  and yet we use and abuse it to get what we want, who we want,  when we want it.
Funny enough this thing…
This thing has a mind of it’s own.
You can’t control it
You can’t see it
You can’t say no to it.
But then again  that thing doesn’t take no for an answer
The more you resist is the more you give this thing power.
It’s has a way of making the strong and mighty weak.
The worst and I mean the worst of the worst are even affected by this thing.
This thing….
This thing called love…
L.O.V.E
Four simple letters
One power word
Only needs two souls to create it.
Two blind souls who at first kiss knew that it was there.
Who tried to sabotage it.
Run away  from it.
Fight it.
Bribe it.
But it just grew stronger.
Like I said this thing has a mind of it’s own….
It can’t be controlled.
This thing literally  bind these souls to each other.
Forever connected to find their way back to each other…
All because they got caught by this thing.
This thing called love…

This isn’t a gender based issue. 

We all have fallen victim of it. 

We’ve all vowed that it would never happen to us but…. It did. 

It really is easy to judge and speak about how it’s done real damage to people until we ourselves go through it. 

Sad part is it leaves us with a whole lot of questions and we end up questioning our own judgement.

So why does it happen, how does it happen, is there even a way to see or sense that it’s happening?

Why do we let relationships, no the person we are in a relationship with change, control and consume us?

I mean we keep “preaching” this thing to everyone one around us especially to young women, “Don’t let your partner know that they are the BE ALL and END ALL in your life or else you’re screwed!” and yet we as the “preacher” do exactly what we said shouldn’t be done and in most cases truth be told as much as I hate saying it, it is women who do this. I don’t know if it’s a curse or we are just stubborn sometimes or we think we are immune to our own advise, I don’t know, what I know is that most of the time women are the ones who change for their partners, women give their partners all the control and women are the one that give their entire being to their partners so they can consume it. And no female can deny this fact, it is a sad and horrible one but it is the truth. There have been many strong, driven, successful women we know that have gone into a relationship and changed total they become weak and insecure women who seek approval from their partners, they only do things that their partners “allow” them to do. All of a sudden everything they work so hard for doesn’t matter anymore because what, because why, because who? 
Are we that insecure that we feel like we need to downgrade ourselves in every way possible just to keep that one person who doesn’t add shit to our lives? Is our thinking so backward that we have to forget who we are and ensure that our partners are the ones who are moving forward and succeeding? 

But like I said in the beginning this isn’t a gender based issue even though it happens mostly with women we can say that man also have the same issue. You find a man who is strong, secure of himself and hard working who will enter into a relationship and they become desperate, over compensating slaves to their partners, they will literally jump head over hills, leaving everything just for their partner who who only calls when they need something… 
Til when? 

Til when are we going to let these people have this effect on us?

Woman start realising your worth. Know that if you have to sacrifice something that is a vital  part of you then they weren’t worthy of ruling your Kingdom with you. Never and I mean never downgrade yourself for someone who doesn’t add value to your life matter of face dint downgrade yourself for anyone at all your life is all about none stop progress!

Man if you ever have to go unreasonably above and beyond for someone who can’t even be there at you lowest then it’s time to cut your losses. Realise that being a man is more than just a title, it is hard work and the sooner you realise that the sooner you’ll find you the support structure for your foundation. Never become anyone’s slave and work towards making progress everyday of your life.

Let’s stop this involuntary change.

2 a. m thoughts of a broken heart

It’s night like these that I hate most. 

Nights where sleep seems to have run off, 

my brain starts wonder 

and my heart just feels forbidden feelings… 

Nights where I miss you dearly.

Or maybe not you but the things you did.

But then again it could be you that I miss…

But I say it again, I hate nights like these!

Where I yearn for your touch,

Your warmth.

How your heartbeat became a soothing lullaby,

Except now the only sound fall asleep to is my heart shatter.

I remember nights like these where:

Your kisses gave me a rush

The way you held me gave me this high that I couldn’t explain 

we became entwined.

And now nights like this remind me how bad my addiction to you was.

Moments of regret playing over and over like a horrible nightmare.

Flash backs of times where i could have left but didn’t.

I could smell the judgement in the room with just me….

I despise night like these….

They remind me of time where we use to stay up and have the most amazing conversation.

We watched movies and fell asleep during the movie.

We had moments of passion.

Now the only moment I have is my tears meeting my pillow….

It’s nights like these that

I wish I never met you or fell in love.

It’s nights like these that

I feel hatred for you.
It’s nights like these that

I wonder if you feel the pain I feel. 

It’s nights like these that

I could rip out my heart just until all the feeling is gone.
Nights like these are never easy.

Nights like this make you wish you could already see the crack of dawn.

Nights like these will make feel broken and alone.

It’s nights like these that I hate.

The one that got away.

You’re happy now.

You found the one that was ment for you.

I’m happy for you.

But I can’t be happy with you….

You were always the one for me.

I just wasn’t ready for that love that you came with,

Or that’s just what I kept telling myself.

Truth is: 

I was afraid.

I didn’t feel worthy of your love, 

matter of fact I felt like you were too good for me.

Your kisses created a feeling of guilt.

Your touch felt like bees stinging me all over.

Hearing you say I love just killed me.

Hence I became distant.

I pulled away from you.

I needed to cut all ties with you.

I needed to make it seem like we never happened.

But 

We did happen 

We actually had something good going on.

I tried to forget about you and I couldn’t 

You were perfect for me…

I just wasn’t ready for you at that time.

You were the one that got away

I want to love without any boundaries, love without wanting to be loved back. Find a soul mate, best friend, spiritual mentor and lover in one person. 
I want to be rebellious in ways no one ever imagined me to be. I want to do what I love, do what makes me happy. I want make love to your brain because you just fucked mine. I want your body to communicate with mine I need to feel all its desires. I need to dance in the rain without worrying about anyone saying something. I want to be care free, I want to be able to say “I don’t give 2 fucks what you think.” and not feel bad about it

I want to be about my life, be about my happiness, be about my desires.

Shit if I wanna hoe around I should I mean its my cake and my conscience at stake

If wanna get sipped and have a one night stand I fucking should

Should I want to be a mean ass bitch from hell then boo boo call me the ice queen…

Yes this is what I want….

What I desire.

But….

I can’t have it.

I can’t be who I want to be.

I can’t express my sexual side. 

I can’t taste the different flavours that life has to offer.

I can’t believe in love.

I can’t have my cake and eat it even though I’m the one who baked it…

I’m forced to lie in a bed I didn’t choose or even make.

Why though? 

Really why is it???

I mean it is a free world right? 

Wrong!

You can’t be yourself. You can’t taste the different flavours life has to offer since life is poison. 

Love on the other had don’t do jack why “these hoes ain’t loyal…” right? Nope wrong again this love situation is so complex because we always selfish with ourselves, we got trust issues, we fear commitment AND we don’t know how to love since we’ve all experienced some form of heartbreak and pain. 

We can’t be ourselves since we fear rejection and loneliness, we put up this front that ends up consuming us and we left not knowing who we are and that’s why people have what you call an “identify crisis”. You have a crisis with your identity because of that mask you had on to get fake friends, create a fake life and impress ass holes who aren’t worth your time.

Sexuality on the other hand is such an issue especially for women we keep saying we equals but when a woman comes out and says I’m seeing multiple guys at the same time she is a whore that has no morals or self respect but when it’s a guy he is congratulated or the excuse “aargh he’s just a man. ” is used but till when though? Til when can a woman express her sexiness without being harassed or judged live her sexual life as she please without being labeled a whore. 

It’s so easy to point fingers and judge others for things they do, the situations they are in,or the life they live. We walk on higher ground saying how screwed up they are without even understanding reasons behind these actions or circumstances.

We seem to forget how messed up each and everyone one of us are! We are all screwed up in own way, some of us are even broken, so when are we going just stop the whole, “do as I say and not as I do” situation? Let one live and do as they please?