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The moment things get better and it looks like you’re letting go of your bad habits something or rather someone pulls you back. I don’t know how but they somehow undo all the good work you’ve done and in my case I’m back to fixing people and neglecting myself.
I don’t why but it’s just so much easier to deal with other people’s shit rather than your own. I know it sounds messed up and tad bit hypocritical but just being able to tell others how to fix things and pointing out their flaws is like a walk in the park at times. And yes it’s a bad thing but I’m not to blame because they come to me. I’m not the one looking for people or situations to fix they just land on my lap. I try like I really do try to be a sound board so they can fix their own issues, I try to just listen and not say anything but it’s that easy not when fixing is your thing it’s like telling a teacher not to teach. But here’s the bad part in my bettering of other people life situations I forget about me and what I need to fix. I put off the changes I need to make for myself and worry about the other person’s changes going wrong. I let myself fall apart and break into bits and pieces because I can’t always face my own truth. I can’t admit to myself that I have a problem and I need to fix it. It has gotten so bad that I think I’m not certain yet that I’ve might have closed myself off from intimate relationships. Love will come from one direction and I run the opposite. What looks like the right person for me will raise red flags and I will search for what ever it is that is wring just so i csn say “no ways cuz”. So it is definitely bad, I have a problem, I am addicted to fixing others but can’t seem to fix myself.
Or maybe I just don’t want to fix myself

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It’s ok to care

Having to pretend like you don’t care is one of the hardest things that are caring person has to do
The amount of effort you put in not to call or text whenever you’re on your phone is hard.
I know what I’m saying has been said a lot of times but I can’t help but want to emphasise this fact:
It might be easy for the other person to just switch off and move on but when you care the amount of work you have to do is more than you can imagine.
You literally have to change into a new person.
You have to unlearn all the things that you took so long learn.
The healthy habits that make you a good person, you now have to stop so you don’t come across as needy.
So you can’t check up on a person anymore,
You can’t text as often,
You just can’t “be there.”
The only way you can find something out is through statuses and insta stories otherwise you can’t straight up ask what’s going on or if all is well,
And you do all this just so they don’t see you as an insecure person who doesn’t have a life.
You have to find ways to put barriers and obstacles and all kinds of things in front of you just so you don’t come across as a person who’s prying.
Having to teach yourself to be unkind and to mind your own is the most painful thing one has to do especially in a society that filled with more than we can handle on our own. People comfort themselves with the image of “looking strong” in front everyone else that they don’t realise the strength they do possess through people who care about them, the very same people they shut out.
Being a caring person is hard and changing into something that isn’t in your nature is the most painful process to endure. Having to learn and unlearn only to relearn again is a waste of time and you lose the true essence of your being so don’t change but rather walk away when it’s time to walk away it’ll only be their loss.

It’s always been…

Here I go again.
I tried to stop myself.
I tried to hide.
I tried to avoid it.
I tried.
I really did try…
But here I am thinking of our “happily ever after” before things begin.
I’ve already got our wedding planned right down to the T
I’ve got the names of our future babies written down
I know which house we are going to grow old in together
It’s crazy I know
But you
You just make me see a future just by saying hi to me
I feel like I’m ready to have your kids every moment you make a joke.
Call me crazy
But just know you created this crazy
You pushed button that create fantasies about you and I.
You put the thought of forever in my head
It’s not just me…
Its you
No….
It’s us.
I run
You pull me back.
I hide
You find me.
Sad part is you aren’t the first that this happens to.
I’ve had thoughts, dreams and images of happily ever after with other guys.
So it’s not us.
It not you either.
It’s me
It’s always been me.

You can keep walking…

I’m tired
I’m tired of the bullshit
I’m tired of taking blame
I’m tired of having to be the one always take care of people’s feelings.
You know you did something wrong and you’ve apologised but I don’t think you mean it because you are demanding I forgive you personally I don’t see the need for an apology though, I’ve noticed that in this “changed man” you’ve become a lot more sensitive and my comment touched a nerve and accept the fact that i should keep certain comments to myself and I appreciate that you took the time to explain why you caught feelings but there isn’t anything else for me to say coz there’s nothing for me to forgive and the forgiveness you demanding i can’t give coz there’s nothing to forgive. I’ve taken too many risks with you and I’ve learnt my lesson I’m not walking blindly into anything anymore and I’ve been broken and burnt way too many times by the very same people who tell me they love me so I’m sorry that I’m not moving things at your pace and I’m not planning on changing things or doing things the way you want to all because you love me I refuse to demolish the time and energy I’ve spent fixing and rebuild myself and if you can’t accept the person that I’m evolving into then thank you for walking away right now you’ve saved me a whole lot of time and effort.

Not even a thank you

I try…
I really try
All I do I ensure I do out of love.
I try do things that will assist in bettering the situations of those around me.
I try to put myself in their shoes and see what it is they need to make things easier not what I think will make things easier.
But it’s like I’m doormat to them.
They use and abuse my goodness.
I don’t ask for much but I give and do more than i should.
I try not keep count of all I do but they constantly remind of all my mistakes and my short comings.
They are lucky to have me…
But they don’t see it
I’m the best thing that happened to them yet I’m treated like crap.
I try..
I really do…
I guess it’s not enough

Not even for a thank you.

My prayer

My request to God

Grant me the strength and focus to do what I’m ment to do.
May I be as quick to do your will as I am pick up my phone when I wake up.
Remove the Spirit of fear and jealousy and create in me a clean heart.
It’s by you Grace that I’m here and I have everything I need, may I not take credit for your abundant blessings.
May I not rush and get into situation that are not for me all because of pressures from the world, help me trust your plan for my life.
Help me see myself as you see me.
Help me become the child that you want me to be.
I want to pray about everything and worry about nothing.
Be part of every bit of my life, show me the path I should walk.
Bless me with the gifts of the Spirit,
Most importantly teach me how to love just as you have loved my unworthy self.
I pray this in your mighty name Lord.
Amen

It’s ok to fall

Be grateful for the moment you hit rock bottom because at that exact moment you learn who you really are, who your ride or dies are and how much strength you actually possess. See the thing is while you are “falling” people can actually see that you are going to hit rock bottom, you just don’t see it as yet you just think that the “fall” are minor setbacks nothing major and in this process of “falling and hitting rock bottom”, you find your “friends” who miraculously appeared during your come up and clinged onto you like a leech does to a person quickly disappear, they stay away from you the same way people from the bible kept away from people with leprosy. You suddenly have no one to turn to because during your come up those that helped you in the beginning somehow didn’t fit into the image in your head and going back to them with your tail between your legs and admitting you’re wrong and that your screwed up is something you can’t bring yourself to doing because your EGO, PRIDE and THE HIGH HORSE you’re on won’t let you. So you’re still falling, no one to turn to, nothing left to help ease the fall and EGO, PRIDE and THE HIGH HORSE you’re on are looking at you as if you can poop out a golden egg to stop you from hitting rock bottom, so what now? The only thing, the only person you have to look at is the self. By the time you realise that the self is the only person that can help you you’ve already hit rock bottom. And here’s the sad part you still doubt the self and so instead of listening to the self you ignore the self and look up for a rope or a hand that can pull you up but you can’t see because there’s so much dust in the air from hitting the floor hard, so you forced to look down, look at the foundation you built, look at the bricks you used to build your pedestal, the material you used and how you built your pedestal. Now this is the moment you should be grateful for because right there and then you choose how you want your pedestal to be built, you select which pieces from the old pedestal will be part of the new on YOU decide at what pace it will be built and who will be part of this beautiful process. Within that beautiful process you not only reconnect with the self but you strengthen that bond you build a fortress around this bond and through that bond you are introduced to humility, nobility and higher intelligence who teach you that you need to open to learning and that its ok to make mistakes just don’t make the same mistake twice because you won’t learn anything and embrace every downfall you come across as it’s also a method of aggressively removing people and things that aren’t meant to be with you when you succeed.

Security in my Insecurities

I am insecure and I’m ok with it

What people perceive as  humble

Is simply me shying away because I feel like I don’t meet the occasion. 

I hide in the shadows because it’s safer there.

I feel secure in my insecurities. 

It’s easier to say the next person is better since I just can’t bear to receive a compliment.

The thought of someone acknowledging me isn’t something I’d be proud of.

I don’t feel worthy of it,

My insecurities made sure of that…

It’s just so much easier to say I can’t not having tried before.

To nominate someone else although I’m the perfect candidate.

To silence myself before my voice is taken away.

I feel so much better when I’m behind the scenes.

Oh, how comfortable I am in my insecurities

Where “self hate” resides right next to “fear of being humiliated”, 

And not too far of from “putting myself down lane”

Which is opposite “I don’t feel worthy park” where a river called “shame” flows

All safely guarded by a tactical force called insecurities.

I found solace in my insecurities

The one place where comfort shouldn’t exist

I found peace in saying I’m not good enough 

I found relief in thinking I can’t 

I found compassion in being in the shadows 

My insecurities consoled me in a way my securities couldn’t 

I feel safe in my insecurities. 

The dreams they sold us…

The dreams they sold us…

I hope there’s a return policy.
I didn’t buy them willingly
I  didn’t know I was even buying them
No one mentioned anything about selling dreams
If I knew they were for sale I wouldn’t have bought any I mean who want this:

I remember being told that I could be anything that I wanted to be, that I could be all that I aspire to be that if I reached high enough I would be able to touch the stars…
But the stars I’m reaching for are my Chuck Taylor All Stars,
I’m aspiring have nice life problems
And all I want to be is financially secure…

My teachers use to tell me if you work hard enough you’ll get into university then graduate and have the job of your dreams earning a big fat cheque driving the most luxurious car you want
Well so much for driving that car because I’m trying to drive the brokeness out of my life
Living from cheque to cheque with that degree I was told to get…
I’m out here watching high school drop out living it up in burbs…
My hard work isn’t really compensating me the way it should I think a refund should be in order…

Remember when bae would  hold your hand, look you in the eyes and say,
” baby you the only one for me”
“My love we are going to be together forever”
” baby it us against the world ”
And yea you were the only one… the only one in your neighbourhood actually,
The forever they spoke about usually  lasted 3 months
Us against the world… more like us against each other

So much for living the dream,
Now you just want to stay in the dream by sleeping…

You could still believe in love…
Nah, that’s some bullshit fairytale stuff

And this whole school situation like someone need to give us a guide stating  how to make it in life with a degree

These dreams y’all sold us,
You can have them back.

The Life of Convenience 

Life made easy.

Life made simpler.
Life made convenient.
It’s the life we live…
A life where easy made us lazy
Simpler made us stupid
And…
Convenient made us settle for less…
A life we chose and said hard work doesn’t pay off because of corruption,
Where you take short cuts and just blackmail your way to the top,
And as long as you get a big fat cheque at the end of the month then it doesn’t matter who gets hurt…
Life as we know it.
Life as we see it
The life that we choose to live…
A life of convenience.
A life where dreams are shattered
And you have to fight for what’s already yours,
Where money is more important than human life,
And every single lazy uneducated person believes the world owes them something so they are entitled to take it…
This is the life of convenience that you chose,
Where it’s kill or be killed
Look the other way when they are torturing you own brother or sister,
Where you have to pay the same people who cause harm around you for safety.
This is the life of convenience that our elders fought for.
The same convenient life that has taught you to trust no one  not even yourself.
That if you help someone out of the goodness of your heart you will be paid back with pain
Where in order to move up in life someone has to fall…
That’s the convenient life we keep advertising to our kids by saying it’s ok to,
Kidnap young girls and sell them or the body parts to get ahead in life.
Like it really is ok to beat up innocent people just show everyone that you have the power to.
And its really  and I mean really is ok to steal food out of poor childrens month’s because  you need it more because your life is far more important…
This is the life of convenience that we live,
A life filled with greed, corruption, fear, involuntary imprisonment and pain.
All because it’s easier to look the other way, pretend that nothing is wrong and allow yourself to be put in a prison of convenience…
If this is what convenience has to offer then
I don’t want a convenient life.