Security in my Insecurities

I am insecure and I’m ok with it

What people perceive as  humble

Is simply me shying away because I feel like I don’t meet the occasion. 

I hide in the shadows because it’s safer there.

I feel secure in my insecurities. 

It’s easier to say the next person is better since I just can’t bear to receive a compliment.

The thought of someone acknowledging me isn’t something I’d be proud of.

I don’t feel worthy of it,

My insecurities made sure of that…

It’s just so much easier to say I can’t not having tried before.

To nominate someone else although I’m the perfect candidate.

To silence myself before my voice is taken away.

I feel so much better when I’m behind the scenes.

Oh, how comfortable I am in my insecurities

Where “self hate” resides right next to “fear of being humiliated”, 

And not too far of from “putting myself down lane”

Which is opposite “I don’t feel worthy park” where a river called “shame” flows

All safely guarded by a tactical force called insecurities.

I found solace in my insecurities

The one place where comfort shouldn’t exist

I found peace in saying I’m not good enough 

I found relief in thinking I can’t 

I found compassion in being in the shadows 

My insecurities consoled me in a way my securities couldn’t 

I feel safe in my insecurities. 

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We were good together.

Like two peas in a pod.

You got me

And I got you.

The perfect partners in crime…

We fell in love

And we loved hard

Till one couldn’t love the other anymore…

Consumed by life and it’s different flavours 

We grew apart 

Became total strangers 

We both thought we found love in different places 

Yet something always pulled us back.

Just not to each other.

So we shied away from love 

We participated in the occasional hook ups….

But we didn’t hook up with each other

Spent meaningless time with meaningless people 

Trying to fill that void we knew no one else could.

All it took was one drunk night

One simple night spent with a “supposed” meaningless person led to

A morning that was ment to be filled with guilt and regret

Turned into a moment of jubilee 

A moment where true love finally conquered…

Finally reunited!

Till it hit us both

“How many times have you done this?”

“Are you with someone? ”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Did you even miss me?”

Overwhelmed with guilt and wondering should we try again .

Somehow we just knew that we it just wouldn’t work out….

But we went for it

The odds were against us

And the evens were for us 

Destined for tragedy we took the wide open road to dooms ville 

Fooled each other and called ourselves rebels

We Were rebels that walked happily into a trap called heartbreak .

You found me and I was still urging to taste the variety flavours… 

You saw a future and I saw convenience

You wanted love and I just couldn’t give it anymore…

You walked away and I pretended it didn’t phase me

Yea we were rebels alright 

So much for a happily ever after 

For me that is

As I watch the one I love, fall in love with someone else…

Her story…

Beautiful. 

smart.

Innocent.

Stars in her eyes.

So full of life.

Everyday is like an adventure to her.

She goes to bed every night counting down the hours till the sun rises again so she can begin the new journey that awaits her…

Determined 

Capable 

Nurturing

Hungry for knowledge 

Motivated by a mere everyday thing called growing up

She is mesmerised by the different flavours life has to offer, so eager to taste every last bit…

Sassy

Opinionated 

Rebel

She walks to the beat of her own rhythm 

She exudes her new found values to the world

Ready to even defy the rules of science, her only goal is to change the world….

Insecure 

Lonely 

Constrained 

Reality just hit

She opened her eyes to the big bad world

The stars in her eyes are dim, her entire world shattered each piece leaving it’s own unique mark as a reminder.

Small

Vulnerable 

Afraid 

She dies more and more inside

Used as a trophy to the “Man”

She forgets her worth

She it taught to live by an untrue fact that a man is the only thing she’ll need….

Wise

Unapologetic 

Bold

Masterpiece 

she remembers how it began

She gracefully carries herself with elegance 

Walking away from all the pain, negativity and everything that jeopardise her peace

She needs no approval, ready to conquer and take back all she lost.

She is whole.

She is  strong.

She is perfectly imperfect.