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The moment things get better and it looks like you’re letting go of your bad habits something or rather someone pulls you back. I don’t know how but they somehow undo all the good work you’ve done and in my case I’m back to fixing people and neglecting myself.
I don’t why but it’s just so much easier to deal with other people’s shit rather than your own. I know it sounds messed up and tad bit hypocritical but just being able to tell others how to fix things and pointing out their flaws is like a walk in the park at times. And yes it’s a bad thing but I’m not to blame because they come to me. I’m not the one looking for people or situations to fix they just land on my lap. I try like I really do try to be a sound board so they can fix their own issues, I try to just listen and not say anything but it’s that easy not when fixing is your thing it’s like telling a teacher not to teach. But here’s the bad part in my bettering of other people life situations I forget about me and what I need to fix. I put off the changes I need to make for myself and worry about the other person’s changes going wrong. I let myself fall apart and break into bits and pieces because I can’t always face my own truth. I can’t admit to myself that I have a problem and I need to fix it. It has gotten so bad that I think I’m not certain yet that I’ve might have closed myself off from intimate relationships. Love will come from one direction and I run the opposite. What looks like the right person for me will raise red flags and I will search for what ever it is that is wring just so i csn say “no ways cuz”. So it is definitely bad, I have a problem, I am addicted to fixing others but can’t seem to fix myself.
Or maybe I just don’t want to fix myself

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It’s ok to care

Having to pretend like you don’t care is one of the hardest things that are caring person has to do
The amount of effort you put in not to call or text whenever you’re on your phone is hard.
I know what I’m saying has been said a lot of times but I can’t help but want to emphasise this fact:
It might be easy for the other person to just switch off and move on but when you care the amount of work you have to do is more than you can imagine.
You literally have to change into a new person.
You have to unlearn all the things that you took so long learn.
The healthy habits that make you a good person, you now have to stop so you don’t come across as needy.
So you can’t check up on a person anymore,
You can’t text as often,
You just can’t “be there.”
The only way you can find something out is through statuses and insta stories otherwise you can’t straight up ask what’s going on or if all is well,
And you do all this just so they don’t see you as an insecure person who doesn’t have a life.
You have to find ways to put barriers and obstacles and all kinds of things in front of you just so you don’t come across as a person who’s prying.
Having to teach yourself to be unkind and to mind your own is the most painful thing one has to do especially in a society that filled with more than we can handle on our own. People comfort themselves with the image of “looking strong” in front everyone else that they don’t realise the strength they do possess through people who care about them, the very same people they shut out.
Being a caring person is hard and changing into something that isn’t in your nature is the most painful process to endure. Having to learn and unlearn only to relearn again is a waste of time and you lose the true essence of your being so don’t change but rather walk away when it’s time to walk away it’ll only be their loss.

It’s always been…

Here I go again.
I tried to stop myself.
I tried to hide.
I tried to avoid it.
I tried.
I really did try…
But here I am thinking of our “happily ever after” before things begin.
I’ve already got our wedding planned right down to the T
I’ve got the names of our future babies written down
I know which house we are going to grow old in together
It’s crazy I know
But you
You just make me see a future just by saying hi to me
I feel like I’m ready to have your kids every moment you make a joke.
Call me crazy
But just know you created this crazy
You pushed button that create fantasies about you and I.
You put the thought of forever in my head
It’s not just me…
Its you
No….
It’s us.
I run
You pull me back.
I hide
You find me.
Sad part is you aren’t the first that this happens to.
I’ve had thoughts, dreams and images of happily ever after with other guys.
So it’s not us.
It not you either.
It’s me
It’s always been me.

You can keep walking…

I’m tired
I’m tired of the bullshit
I’m tired of taking blame
I’m tired of having to be the one always take care of people’s feelings.
You know you did something wrong and you’ve apologised but I don’t think you mean it because you are demanding I forgive you personally I don’t see the need for an apology though, I’ve noticed that in this “changed man” you’ve become a lot more sensitive and my comment touched a nerve and accept the fact that i should keep certain comments to myself and I appreciate that you took the time to explain why you caught feelings but there isn’t anything else for me to say coz there’s nothing for me to forgive and the forgiveness you demanding i can’t give coz there’s nothing to forgive. I’ve taken too many risks with you and I’ve learnt my lesson I’m not walking blindly into anything anymore and I’ve been broken and burnt way too many times by the very same people who tell me they love me so I’m sorry that I’m not moving things at your pace and I’m not planning on changing things or doing things the way you want to all because you love me I refuse to demolish the time and energy I’ve spent fixing and rebuild myself and if you can’t accept the person that I’m evolving into then thank you for walking away right now you’ve saved me a whole lot of time and effort.

Not even a thank you

I try…
I really try
All I do I ensure I do out of love.
I try do things that will assist in bettering the situations of those around me.
I try to put myself in their shoes and see what it is they need to make things easier not what I think will make things easier.
But it’s like I’m doormat to them.
They use and abuse my goodness.
I don’t ask for much but I give and do more than i should.
I try not keep count of all I do but they constantly remind of all my mistakes and my short comings.
They are lucky to have me…
But they don’t see it
I’m the best thing that happened to them yet I’m treated like crap.
I try..
I really do…
I guess it’s not enough

Not even for a thank you.

Security in my Insecurities

I am insecure and I’m ok with it

What people perceive as  humble

Is simply me shying away because I feel like I don’t meet the occasion. 

I hide in the shadows because it’s safer there.

I feel secure in my insecurities. 

It’s easier to say the next person is better since I just can’t bear to receive a compliment.

The thought of someone acknowledging me isn’t something I’d be proud of.

I don’t feel worthy of it,

My insecurities made sure of that…

It’s just so much easier to say I can’t not having tried before.

To nominate someone else although I’m the perfect candidate.

To silence myself before my voice is taken away.

I feel so much better when I’m behind the scenes.

Oh, how comfortable I am in my insecurities

Where “self hate” resides right next to “fear of being humiliated”, 

And not too far of from “putting myself down lane”

Which is opposite “I don’t feel worthy park” where a river called “shame” flows

All safely guarded by a tactical force called insecurities.

I found solace in my insecurities

The one place where comfort shouldn’t exist

I found peace in saying I’m not good enough 

I found relief in thinking I can’t 

I found compassion in being in the shadows 

My insecurities consoled me in a way my securities couldn’t 

I feel safe in my insecurities. 

We were good together.

Like two peas in a pod.

You got me

And I got you.

The perfect partners in crime…

We fell in love

And we loved hard

Till one couldn’t love the other anymore…

Consumed by life and it’s different flavours 

We grew apart 

Became total strangers 

We both thought we found love in different places 

Yet something always pulled us back.

Just not to each other.

So we shied away from love 

We participated in the occasional hook ups….

But we didn’t hook up with each other

Spent meaningless time with meaningless people 

Trying to fill that void we knew no one else could.

All it took was one drunk night

One simple night spent with a “supposed” meaningless person led to

A morning that was ment to be filled with guilt and regret

Turned into a moment of jubilee 

A moment where true love finally conquered…

Finally reunited!

Till it hit us both

“How many times have you done this?”

“Are you with someone? ”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Did you even miss me?”

Overwhelmed with guilt and wondering should we try again .

Somehow we just knew that we it just wouldn’t work out….

But we went for it

The odds were against us

And the evens were for us 

Destined for tragedy we took the wide open road to dooms ville 

Fooled each other and called ourselves rebels

We Were rebels that walked happily into a trap called heartbreak .

You found me and I was still urging to taste the variety flavours… 

You saw a future and I saw convenience

You wanted love and I just couldn’t give it anymore…

You walked away and I pretended it didn’t phase me

Yea we were rebels alright 

So much for a happily ever after 

For me that is

As I watch the one I love, fall in love with someone else…

Her story…

Beautiful. 

smart.

Innocent.

Stars in her eyes.

So full of life.

Everyday is like an adventure to her.

She goes to bed every night counting down the hours till the sun rises again so she can begin the new journey that awaits her…

Determined 

Capable 

Nurturing

Hungry for knowledge 

Motivated by a mere everyday thing called growing up

She is mesmerised by the different flavours life has to offer, so eager to taste every last bit…

Sassy

Opinionated 

Rebel

She walks to the beat of her own rhythm 

She exudes her new found values to the world

Ready to even defy the rules of science, her only goal is to change the world….

Insecure 

Lonely 

Constrained 

Reality just hit

She opened her eyes to the big bad world

The stars in her eyes are dim, her entire world shattered each piece leaving it’s own unique mark as a reminder.

Small

Vulnerable 

Afraid 

She dies more and more inside

Used as a trophy to the “Man”

She forgets her worth

She it taught to live by an untrue fact that a man is the only thing she’ll need….

Wise

Unapologetic 

Bold

Masterpiece 

she remembers how it began

She gracefully carries herself with elegance 

Walking away from all the pain, negativity and everything that jeopardise her peace

She needs no approval, ready to conquer and take back all she lost.

She is whole.

She is  strong.

She is perfectly imperfect.