Security in my Insecurities

I am insecure and I’m ok with it

What people perceive as  humble

Is simply me shying away because I feel like I don’t meet the occasion. 

I hide in the shadows because it’s safer there.

I feel secure in my insecurities. 

It’s easier to say the next person is better since I just can’t bear to receive a compliment.

The thought of someone acknowledging me isn’t something I’d be proud of.

I don’t feel worthy of it,

My insecurities made sure of that…

It’s just so much easier to say I can’t not having tried before.

To nominate someone else although I’m the perfect candidate.

To silence myself before my voice is taken away.

I feel so much better when I’m behind the scenes.

Oh, how comfortable I am in my insecurities

Where “self hate” resides right next to “fear of being humiliated”, 

And not too far of from “putting myself down lane”

Which is opposite “I don’t feel worthy park” where a river called “shame” flows

All safely guarded by a tactical force called insecurities.

I found solace in my insecurities

The one place where comfort shouldn’t exist

I found peace in saying I’m not good enough 

I found relief in thinking I can’t 

I found compassion in being in the shadows 

My insecurities consoled me in a way my securities couldn’t 

I feel safe in my insecurities. 

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Moghel you are more than just breasts and ass 

When God made you,

He took His time…

He let man fall asleep 

Took a bone that protected man’s life 

And moulded you into a perfect master piece with it.
Beyps you are not piece of item that has to be shown off by someone who doesn’t know your real worth…

You are beyond precious 

Not even the wealth of the entire world comes close to your how much you are worth…

Woman you were created by the creator Himself to carry and give birth to every single creation He thought of.
Sweetheart you are so much stronger than you think you are.

You have been beaten, raped and labelled  horrible names and yet you rise up even stronger than ever

You wear your scars as if they were them most precious stones on earth.

You bear it all so they don’t have to

No matter how painful or bad things are you still carry yourself so elegantly like you’ve got the world’s riches in your hands
Baby girl you don’t need to be part of the crowd to be seen 

You are more than the latest fashion and trends

Your so called squad doesn’t define who you are

How you can get a man to buy you doesn’t make you beautiful 

That hair and make up  doesn’t cover up what’s pretty or ugly inside

You are stronger and content when you know who you are and have accepted your flaws and are willing to change only for you.

 

You are a woman 

A masterpiece created by the Creator Himself 

Unapologetic for who she is and why she’s here

Unashamed to bare it all for everyone to see 

Loyal to the royal within

A queen in her own right.

The dreams they sold us…

The dreams they sold us…

I hope there’s a return policy.
I didn’t buy them willingly
I  didn’t know I was even buying them
No one mentioned anything about selling dreams
If I knew they were for sale I wouldn’t have bought any I mean who want this:

I remember being told that I could be anything that I wanted to be, that I could be all that I aspire to be that if I reached high enough I would be able to touch the stars…
But the stars I’m reaching for are my Chuck Taylor All Stars,
I’m aspiring have nice life problems
And all I want to be is financially secure…

My teachers use to tell me if you work hard enough you’ll get into university then graduate and have the job of your dreams earning a big fat cheque driving the most luxurious car you want
Well so much for driving that car because I’m trying to drive the brokeness out of my life
Living from cheque to cheque with that degree I was told to get…
I’m out here watching high school drop out living it up in burbs…
My hard work isn’t really compensating me the way it should I think a refund should be in order…

Remember when bae would  hold your hand, look you in the eyes and say,
” baby you the only one for me”
“My love we are going to be together forever”
” baby it us against the world ”
And yea you were the only one… the only one in your neighbourhood actually,
The forever they spoke about usually  lasted 3 months
Us against the world… more like us against each other

So much for living the dream,
Now you just want to stay in the dream by sleeping…

You could still believe in love…
Nah, that’s some bullshit fairytale stuff

And this whole school situation like someone need to give us a guide stating  how to make it in life with a degree

These dreams y’all sold us,
You can have them back.

The Life of Convenience 

Life made easy.

Life made simpler.
Life made convenient.
It’s the life we live…
A life where easy made us lazy
Simpler made us stupid
And…
Convenient made us settle for less…
A life we chose and said hard work doesn’t pay off because of corruption,
Where you take short cuts and just blackmail your way to the top,
And as long as you get a big fat cheque at the end of the month then it doesn’t matter who gets hurt…
Life as we know it.
Life as we see it
The life that we choose to live…
A life of convenience.
A life where dreams are shattered
And you have to fight for what’s already yours,
Where money is more important than human life,
And every single lazy uneducated person believes the world owes them something so they are entitled to take it…
This is the life of convenience that you chose,
Where it’s kill or be killed
Look the other way when they are torturing you own brother or sister,
Where you have to pay the same people who cause harm around you for safety.
This is the life of convenience that our elders fought for.
The same convenient life that has taught you to trust no one  not even yourself.
That if you help someone out of the goodness of your heart you will be paid back with pain
Where in order to move up in life someone has to fall…
That’s the convenient life we keep advertising to our kids by saying it’s ok to,
Kidnap young girls and sell them or the body parts to get ahead in life.
Like it really is ok to beat up innocent people just show everyone that you have the power to.
And its really  and I mean really is ok to steal food out of poor childrens month’s because  you need it more because your life is far more important…
This is the life of convenience that we live,
A life filled with greed, corruption, fear, involuntary imprisonment and pain.
All because it’s easier to look the other way, pretend that nothing is wrong and allow yourself to be put in a prison of convenience…
If this is what convenience has to offer then
I don’t want a convenient life.

10 blessings I learnt about life…

1. Let God be the centre of your life, He isn’t going simply be there without you saying or asking him, God unlike use is polite, gentle and well-mannered. Invite God in all you do and he shall be there.

2. No one and I mean no one is perfect. We might think that perfection it the place we want to reach but think about the time it took to reach perfection… we aren’t here to be perfect, we are here to make progress, improve ourselves and move on to bigger and better things.

3. It’s not about when or how you start or even end because that’s just it, it’s a beginning and end. What matters is the manner in which you carry yourself throughout the process, the small failures that could have made you give up and the small triumphs that give you hope, those are the important moments that define one’s character.

4. It has been said multiple times… “Life is a choice, you CHOOSE how to live it, you CHOOSE what you learn from it and you CHOOSE how it makes you better worse.”  Make  the choice already decide what it is you want and do it.

5. “Many are called, but  few are chosen.” Ask yourself what it is that sets apart people who were never from the people  who were called and the people who were called from the people who were chosen… EFFORT you can know it all and still not be called, you can be prepared and still not be chosen. Effort set you apart from everyone what you put in is exactly what you get out so whether you know or not put in the EFFORT and it will pay off.

6. Second chances are given to you in an abundance. If you are able to wake up whether you are hooked on machines or not the fact that you are able to wake up means you have another chance do things right, another chance to fight for what you want…. use that chance you get when you wake up.

7. Experts were once beginners also  don’t shy away from learner from those more experienced than you, you could be teaching them something in the process too….

8. Take your time, goals are never reached in one day. Allow yourself to go through the necessary changes, prepare yourself for what’s about to happen…. your time will come.

9. People don’t need to know about everything you do, you don’t know who’s pray for you and who’s praying against you. Keep QUIET and do you, the time for you to share things will come.

10. God is the be all and end all, the Alpha and Omega. Learn to trust His  timing it is always perfect.

If you had to leave 10 blessings you learnt about life what would yours be?

It’s the life we live…

You’ve had your heart broken.

You’ve had your life torn apart.

You lost everything.

You lost everyone.

Your entire being was turned upside down 

Through it all you held your head up high and kept going.

You tried to pick up the pieces

You tried to put it back together 

You looked for everything 

You searched for everyone 

You entire being is still stuck in turmoil

Through it all you realised, “fuck it”

Your heart got broken, yes… And it isn’t the the first nor the last there’s nothing special or different about the ex, the didn’t realise that they had a gold mine on their hands so forget about it.

Your life is torn apart, so what? Has there ever been a life that’s all in one piece, I don’t think so, so gather all the pieces and ensure they are all in one place I mean you don’t need your shit all over the place right…

You lost everything… Maybe you weren’t suppose to have it. Look at it this way stop focusing on what you have and start looking at what you can do its not like you going to be buried with your things once you dead.

You lost everyone… No no no! Everyone lost you, they couldn’t handle awesomeness so find people who can, you’re not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea.

Your entire being is turned upside down and… Who know which way is the right way up even your being could be positioned the right way the only thing you should worry about is your entire being being at peace through all the turmoil. 

Screw everything, keep your head up, own your throne and grow your Kingdom that’s all that matters 

Throw it away 

Starting all over is never easy but it is necessary and I don’t mean picking up the broken pieces and putting them back together. A fresh start means taking the dustpan sweeping up all the pieces even the ones that look like you can fix and throwing it all away in the dustbin. Reason why specifically say “throw it all away in the dust” is because we tend to hold on to things unnecessarily, yes we want a fresh start but the thought of starting everything all over or even letting go of old grudges and emotions creates this fear of, “what will I fill this space with now?” We somehow create this panic within ourselves where it seem like if we get rid of these pieces we instantly lose our identities, we simply don’t know who we are without these pieces. Or better yet we are able sweep up the pieces but we throw it under the rug…. That still does nothing you because you might say you got rid of it but you know where that extra junk in your trunk comes from sad part is it ways you down. That dirt under the rug is like being in a toxic relationship you know you have to get out because you deserve better of but you don’t want to and it ends up damaging you way beyond repair or worse it kills you all because of that fear of stepping out on your own and starting a fresh. But here’s the worst of the bunch the ones who sweep up everything and I mean everything make their way to the dustbin but don’t get rid of the dirt or they do get rid of it but the won’t leave…. I don’t know how but there is a sense of guilt that falls upon us at this point where it seem like we seem to be betraying ourselves by throwing away the very same pieces that were once part of us, how do you just throw such away just like that? This become that ex that leaves you than as soon as you find that piece of happiness they have to some how ruin because they aren’t happy and if they aren’t happy you can’t be happy either. This is where you end up feeling stagnant it looks like everyone around is happy and moving on with their lives and you are just standing by the dustbin with a dustpan in your hand deciding whether to throw it all away or keep it all…

We never realise that starting all over is a way of making progress or promoting ourselves and as we move up there are things that fall or break off because they aren’t ment to move up with us, look at it like a fruit tree the more it grows the more pruning it has to get in order to bear more fruit, same with us when you start all over you have to get rid of certain things to make way for new ones. So when starting a fresh make sure you get rid of all the excess baggage, a new life doesn’t need things from the past hindering it from success

This isn’t a gender based issue. 

We all have fallen victim of it. 

We’ve all vowed that it would never happen to us but…. It did. 

It really is easy to judge and speak about how it’s done real damage to people until we ourselves go through it. 

Sad part is it leaves us with a whole lot of questions and we end up questioning our own judgement.

So why does it happen, how does it happen, is there even a way to see or sense that it’s happening?

Why do we let relationships, no the person we are in a relationship with change, control and consume us?

I mean we keep “preaching” this thing to everyone one around us especially to young women, “Don’t let your partner know that they are the BE ALL and END ALL in your life or else you’re screwed!” and yet we as the “preacher” do exactly what we said shouldn’t be done and in most cases truth be told as much as I hate saying it, it is women who do this. I don’t know if it’s a curse or we are just stubborn sometimes or we think we are immune to our own advise, I don’t know, what I know is that most of the time women are the ones who change for their partners, women give their partners all the control and women are the one that give their entire being to their partners so they can consume it. And no female can deny this fact, it is a sad and horrible one but it is the truth. There have been many strong, driven, successful women we know that have gone into a relationship and changed total they become weak and insecure women who seek approval from their partners, they only do things that their partners “allow” them to do. All of a sudden everything they work so hard for doesn’t matter anymore because what, because why, because who? 
Are we that insecure that we feel like we need to downgrade ourselves in every way possible just to keep that one person who doesn’t add shit to our lives? Is our thinking so backward that we have to forget who we are and ensure that our partners are the ones who are moving forward and succeeding? 

But like I said in the beginning this isn’t a gender based issue even though it happens mostly with women we can say that man also have the same issue. You find a man who is strong, secure of himself and hard working who will enter into a relationship and they become desperate, over compensating slaves to their partners, they will literally jump head over hills, leaving everything just for their partner who who only calls when they need something… 
Til when? 

Til when are we going to let these people have this effect on us?

Woman start realising your worth. Know that if you have to sacrifice something that is a vital  part of you then they weren’t worthy of ruling your Kingdom with you. Never and I mean never downgrade yourself for someone who doesn’t add value to your life matter of face dint downgrade yourself for anyone at all your life is all about none stop progress!

Man if you ever have to go unreasonably above and beyond for someone who can’t even be there at you lowest then it’s time to cut your losses. Realise that being a man is more than just a title, it is hard work and the sooner you realise that the sooner you’ll find you the support structure for your foundation. Never become anyone’s slave and work towards making progress everyday of your life.

Let’s stop this involuntary change.

A request from me made by me.

I’m sick of it! I’m tired of your constant crying. You’ve become so unbearable. It’s like I don’t know you anymore. Sad part is I can’t get away from you and find someone better because I’m stuck with you till death do us part….

You know I’ve known all your life, I raised and moulded you to be the person you are today and don’t get the appreciation I deserve. I was there on first break up, matter of fact I was the one who told he’s not the right one but hey what did I know I was just stuck inside you to know what’s best for you. Let me not even go to that story with the “best friend” who had your back because I told you there was something shady about that girl yet you still didn’t listen. I’ve basically been the voice of wisdom that you clearly ignore, I told the truth even when you refuse to hear it.
Ok maybe there were times you listened and I was wrong. I did say never give up on love and you’ve had your heart broken multiple times, but hey it made you stronger and a tad bit crazy. And there was that time I said you need take a leap of faith… yea you leaped and landed on your face, that made you stronger too and a little off balance…. But hey I can admit to the  couple of times I was wrong so shoot me for not being human but being part of one which means I’m incline to make mistakes which technically means it still isn’t my fault.

But that’s not the point…. The point I’m making here is to tell you to LOVE ME… And you must wondering who me is… I’m your voice of reason, your internal punching bag, the one person who’s loved you throughout all your weird and wonderful stages if life, I am your legit day 1, your ride or die.
I am you. And I just wanted to make a request to you: 

Love yourself first, don’t be so hard on yourself you’ve accomplished way more than you think. Remember days aren’t the same so allow yourself to go through the emotions. Don’t shy away from love even when it hurts because it brings you a step closer to the on made for you. Forgive everyone that hurt you in any way but also ask for forgiveness from those you hurt. Laugh as much as you can, find joy in all things you do and keep smiling. Remember you are a masterpiece that’s perfectly imperfect 
Love you always and for ever You.