It’s the life we live…

You’ve had your heart broken.

You’ve had your life torn apart.

You lost everything.

You lost everyone.

Your entire being was turned upside down 

Through it all you held your head up high and kept going.

You tried to pick up the pieces

You tried to put it back together 

You looked for everything 

You searched for everyone 

You entire being is still stuck in turmoil

Through it all you realised, “fuck it”

Your heart got broken, yes… And it isn’t the the first nor the last there’s nothing special or different about the ex, the didn’t realise that they had a gold mine on their hands so forget about it.

Your life is torn apart, so what? Has there ever been a life that’s all in one piece, I don’t think so, so gather all the pieces and ensure they are all in one place I mean you don’t need your shit all over the place right…

You lost everything… Maybe you weren’t suppose to have it. Look at it this way stop focusing on what you have and start looking at what you can do its not like you going to be buried with your things once you dead.

You lost everyone… No no no! Everyone lost you, they couldn’t handle awesomeness so find people who can, you’re not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea.

Your entire being is turned upside down and… Who know which way is the right way up even your being could be positioned the right way the only thing you should worry about is your entire being being at peace through all the turmoil. 

Screw everything, keep your head up, own your throne and grow your Kingdom that’s all that matters 

Throw it away 

Starting all over is never easy but it is necessary and I don’t mean picking up the broken pieces and putting them back together. A fresh start means taking the dustpan sweeping up all the pieces even the ones that look like you can fix and throwing it all away in the dustbin. Reason why specifically say “throw it all away in the dust” is because we tend to hold on to things unnecessarily, yes we want a fresh start but the thought of starting everything all over or even letting go of old grudges and emotions creates this fear of, “what will I fill this space with now?” We somehow create this panic within ourselves where it seem like if we get rid of these pieces we instantly lose our identities, we simply don’t know who we are without these pieces. Or better yet we are able sweep up the pieces but we throw it under the rug…. That still does nothing you because you might say you got rid of it but you know where that extra junk in your trunk comes from sad part is it ways you down. That dirt under the rug is like being in a toxic relationship you know you have to get out because you deserve better of but you don’t want to and it ends up damaging you way beyond repair or worse it kills you all because of that fear of stepping out on your own and starting a fresh. But here’s the worst of the bunch the ones who sweep up everything and I mean everything make their way to the dustbin but don’t get rid of the dirt or they do get rid of it but the won’t leave…. I don’t know how but there is a sense of guilt that falls upon us at this point where it seem like we seem to be betraying ourselves by throwing away the very same pieces that were once part of us, how do you just throw such away just like that? This become that ex that leaves you than as soon as you find that piece of happiness they have to some how ruin because they aren’t happy and if they aren’t happy you can’t be happy either. This is where you end up feeling stagnant it looks like everyone around is happy and moving on with their lives and you are just standing by the dustbin with a dustpan in your hand deciding whether to throw it all away or keep it all…

We never realise that starting all over is a way of making progress or promoting ourselves and as we move up there are things that fall or break off because they aren’t ment to move up with us, look at it like a fruit tree the more it grows the more pruning it has to get in order to bear more fruit, same with us when you start all over you have to get rid of certain things to make way for new ones. So when starting a fresh make sure you get rid of all the excess baggage, a new life doesn’t need things from the past hindering it from success

This isn’t a gender based issue. 

We all have fallen victim of it. 

We’ve all vowed that it would never happen to us but…. It did. 

It really is easy to judge and speak about how it’s done real damage to people until we ourselves go through it. 

Sad part is it leaves us with a whole lot of questions and we end up questioning our own judgement.

So why does it happen, how does it happen, is there even a way to see or sense that it’s happening?

Why do we let relationships, no the person we are in a relationship with change, control and consume us?

I mean we keep “preaching” this thing to everyone one around us especially to young women, “Don’t let your partner know that they are the BE ALL and END ALL in your life or else you’re screwed!” and yet we as the “preacher” do exactly what we said shouldn’t be done and in most cases truth be told as much as I hate saying it, it is women who do this. I don’t know if it’s a curse or we are just stubborn sometimes or we think we are immune to our own advise, I don’t know, what I know is that most of the time women are the ones who change for their partners, women give their partners all the control and women are the one that give their entire being to their partners so they can consume it. And no female can deny this fact, it is a sad and horrible one but it is the truth. There have been many strong, driven, successful women we know that have gone into a relationship and changed total they become weak and insecure women who seek approval from their partners, they only do things that their partners “allow” them to do. All of a sudden everything they work so hard for doesn’t matter anymore because what, because why, because who? 
Are we that insecure that we feel like we need to downgrade ourselves in every way possible just to keep that one person who doesn’t add shit to our lives? Is our thinking so backward that we have to forget who we are and ensure that our partners are the ones who are moving forward and succeeding? 

But like I said in the beginning this isn’t a gender based issue even though it happens mostly with women we can say that man also have the same issue. You find a man who is strong, secure of himself and hard working who will enter into a relationship and they become desperate, over compensating slaves to their partners, they will literally jump head over hills, leaving everything just for their partner who who only calls when they need something… 
Til when? 

Til when are we going to let these people have this effect on us?

Woman start realising your worth. Know that if you have to sacrifice something that is a vital  part of you then they weren’t worthy of ruling your Kingdom with you. Never and I mean never downgrade yourself for someone who doesn’t add value to your life matter of face dint downgrade yourself for anyone at all your life is all about none stop progress!

Man if you ever have to go unreasonably above and beyond for someone who can’t even be there at you lowest then it’s time to cut your losses. Realise that being a man is more than just a title, it is hard work and the sooner you realise that the sooner you’ll find you the support structure for your foundation. Never become anyone’s slave and work towards making progress everyday of your life.

Let’s stop this involuntary change.

2 a. m thoughts of a broken heart

It’s night like these that I hate most. 

Nights where sleep seems to have run off, 

my brain starts wonder 

and my heart just feels forbidden feelings… 

Nights where I miss you dearly.

Or maybe not you but the things you did.

But then again it could be you that I miss…

But I say it again, I hate nights like these!

Where I yearn for your touch,

Your warmth.

How your heartbeat became a soothing lullaby,

Except now the only sound fall asleep to is my heart shatter.

I remember nights like these where:

Your kisses gave me a rush

The way you held me gave me this high that I couldn’t explain 

we became entwined.

And now nights like this remind me how bad my addiction to you was.

Moments of regret playing over and over like a horrible nightmare.

Flash backs of times where i could have left but didn’t.

I could smell the judgement in the room with just me….

I despise night like these….

They remind me of time where we use to stay up and have the most amazing conversation.

We watched movies and fell asleep during the movie.

We had moments of passion.

Now the only moment I have is my tears meeting my pillow….

It’s nights like these that

I wish I never met you or fell in love.

It’s nights like these that

I feel hatred for you.
It’s nights like these that

I wonder if you feel the pain I feel. 

It’s nights like these that

I could rip out my heart just until all the feeling is gone.
Nights like these are never easy.

Nights like this make you wish you could already see the crack of dawn.

Nights like these will make feel broken and alone.

It’s nights like these that I hate.

post no. 21

Post 21= 21 facts about mapilamong 

Why? Because I’m turning 21 this year

1. My full name is Katlego Itumedisitse Mapilamong Nyakale 

2. My birthday is on the 12th of July (remember the day)

3. I was an accounting student now I do BBA 

4. I got my heart broken and I’m still healing

5. I secretly like being a girly girl

6. Music gives me life

7. I am a believer in Christ Jesus He is my saviour 

8 . I am clumsy AF I don’t know why I just can’t help it.

9. I am a helpless romantic and I am praying for the one created for me by God.

10. I think that the one that got a away is a guy I called Pete (he knows who he is )

11. I am an insecure person (I am working on it )

12. My biggest fear is being exactly like my father.

13. I have a love hate relationship with food.

14. My best friend is guy called titties 

15. i wanna learn how to pole dance

16. My favourite colour is BLUE

17. I haven’t had my hoeing phase yet

18. I was almost a stoner

19. I hate ciders and beers I prefer spirits

20. My biggest flaw is I can’t finish what I start

21. Writing is my safe haven 

I opened up to you,
showed you my scars.
Stripped all my layers.
Revealed my true form.
I let you in.
I let you explore my inner being,
Allowed you to taste my true essence.

Now you stand and mock me.
Use my scars to create new wounds,
Spit the same essence you tasted back in my face.
You walked out,
Left me bare and vulnerable.
Exposed for all to see.
So here I stand naked,
Baring all my truths,
Unashamed of who says what,
Because you set me free.
By leaving me exposed you set me free.
You set me free.
Ready to claim my Kingdom.
Ready to wear the crown you failed to carry,
I’m walking naked in truth, scares and all ready to conquer.
I am Queening on my own terms.

I choose me.

I am done. I have chosen me over everything and anyone else. I am taking back what’s mine and I’m gonna be selfish with myself. I’m over the disrespect, constant pleading to be love back, the giving without expecting anything. I’m over it, I’m over everything. I have no fight left in me I have nothing more to give I’m to gonna beg any more. The buck stops right here im no longer seek your approval coz it means nothing now, I know my worth of and you aren’t even worth my time, I have sooooo much to give but not to just any and everyone. I pick me. I choose my happiness. I select my life first.
I come first so no more bullshit, tears no more pain, no more heartache, no more
giving freely. I am finished, I am not about that life anymore. It’s my time now. I’m doing what makes me happy, I’m wearing sexy underwear for me I am dressing like a millionaire for me. I am falling in love with myself first.

The one that got away.

You’re happy now.

You found the one that was ment for you.

I’m happy for you.

But I can’t be happy with you….

You were always the one for me.

I just wasn’t ready for that love that you came with,

Or that’s just what I kept telling myself.

Truth is: 

I was afraid.

I didn’t feel worthy of your love, 

matter of fact I felt like you were too good for me.

Your kisses created a feeling of guilt.

Your touch felt like bees stinging me all over.

Hearing you say I love just killed me.

Hence I became distant.

I pulled away from you.

I needed to cut all ties with you.

I needed to make it seem like we never happened.

But 

We did happen 

We actually had something good going on.

I tried to forget about you and I couldn’t 

You were perfect for me…

I just wasn’t ready for you at that time.

You were the one that got away

The worst feeling about a break up isn’t the time wasted with the person, nor the pain they caused you. The worst feeling about a break up is when you look at yourself and not know who you are any more. The realisation of how much you’ve changed and it isn’t even for the better. The fact that you’ve become the thing you fear or even mock. 

You cry because you broke the one promise you made to yourself, “never change who you are for your partner unless it’s improve you as an individual in or out of a relationship.” You made them centre of you word and worst of all you let them know, that is how you changed. You sacrificed so much of yourself that you have nothing left. You put everything else in your life on hold to make them happy. You broke yourself so you could build them up. 

You created a happily ever after in your head even before you were happy with them. You lost yourself just so they could be found. And where are they now? Where is that same person who “vowed” to be there for you when shit got real? You were there when they we broken, no shattered into piece. You helped them pick each and every piece even though it ment you getting cut in the process. 

The thing that hurts most is you saw it happen, you allowed it to happen, you even turn the blind just to console yourself. And now you’re asking yourself where did we go wrong, what did I do wrong, wasn’t I good enough even when you know the answer. Yes break ups are terrible and they hurt but, the worst thing about a break up is being left with the question, “who am I?”

A request from me made by me.

I’m sick of it! I’m tired of your constant crying. You’ve become so unbearable. It’s like I don’t know you anymore. Sad part is I can’t get away from you and find someone better because I’m stuck with you till death do us part….

You know I’ve known all your life, I raised and moulded you to be the person you are today and don’t get the appreciation I deserve. I was there on first break up, matter of fact I was the one who told he’s not the right one but hey what did I know I was just stuck inside you to know what’s best for you. Let me not even go to that story with the “best friend” who had your back because I told you there was something shady about that girl yet you still didn’t listen. I’ve basically been the voice of wisdom that you clearly ignore, I told the truth even when you refuse to hear it.
Ok maybe there were times you listened and I was wrong. I did say never give up on love and you’ve had your heart broken multiple times, but hey it made you stronger and a tad bit crazy. And there was that time I said you need take a leap of faith… yea you leaped and landed on your face, that made you stronger too and a little off balance…. But hey I can admit to the  couple of times I was wrong so shoot me for not being human but being part of one which means I’m incline to make mistakes which technically means it still isn’t my fault.

But that’s not the point…. The point I’m making here is to tell you to LOVE ME… And you must wondering who me is… I’m your voice of reason, your internal punching bag, the one person who’s loved you throughout all your weird and wonderful stages if life, I am your legit day 1, your ride or die.
I am you. And I just wanted to make a request to you: 

Love yourself first, don’t be so hard on yourself you’ve accomplished way more than you think. Remember days aren’t the same so allow yourself to go through the emotions. Don’t shy away from love even when it hurts because it brings you a step closer to the on made for you. Forgive everyone that hurt you in any way but also ask for forgiveness from those you hurt. Laugh as much as you can, find joy in all things you do and keep smiling. Remember you are a masterpiece that’s perfectly imperfect 
Love you always and for ever You.