Security in my Insecurities

I am insecure and I’m ok with it

What people perceive as  humble

Is simply me shying away because I feel like I don’t meet the occasion. 

I hide in the shadows because it’s safer there.

I feel secure in my insecurities. 

It’s easier to say the next person is better since I just can’t bear to receive a compliment.

The thought of someone acknowledging me isn’t something I’d be proud of.

I don’t feel worthy of it,

My insecurities made sure of that…

It’s just so much easier to say I can’t not having tried before.

To nominate someone else although I’m the perfect candidate.

To silence myself before my voice is taken away.

I feel so much better when I’m behind the scenes.

Oh, how comfortable I am in my insecurities

Where “self hate” resides right next to “fear of being humiliated”, 

And not too far of from “putting myself down lane”

Which is opposite “I don’t feel worthy park” where a river called “shame” flows

All safely guarded by a tactical force called insecurities.

I found solace in my insecurities

The one place where comfort shouldn’t exist

I found peace in saying I’m not good enough 

I found relief in thinking I can’t 

I found compassion in being in the shadows 

My insecurities consoled me in a way my securities couldn’t 

I feel safe in my insecurities. 

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Contentment
A point that most us wish to reach
Where you are ok with everything and everyone.
Where you have accepted that a lot of things are just out of your control and the only thing you can control is how you react.
A point where you realise that it’s ok to be sad sometimes
And whenever that moment of joy comes your way you just need to bask in that piece of joy for as long as you can.
Appreciate that everyday is ment to be celebrated whether good or bad because you survived and made it through without giving up
Contentment is knowing that God is in control and you don’t have to worry about a thing.

The colour of my skinย 

The colour of my skin isn’t black

And yet the the title given to my race is “Black”

Therefore whatever negativity that the colour black representsis automatically what I am

I am evil

I am darkness 

I am death
I didn’t choose to be called black

But I have to wear that title like a crown and be proud of it because 

I am bold

I am strong 

I am powerful 
The colour of my skin isn’t black 

But I was called black so I could be put in chains

I created wealth for others before I knew I how to create wealth for myself 

I was taught to call myself ugly before I knew what ugly ment

I was told to be ashamed of being black…
But I didn’t choose to be called black 

I was given this title 

I took the title black  and made it a movement 

I took the title black and made it who I am 

I took the title black and made it the greatest title ever to be received by humankind 
The colour of my skin is brown 

I am different shades of brown 

The same brown as the earth

I am the most precious product of the earth

In this brown skin you find precious stones that represent my strength 

In this brown skinned body rivers flow to the rhythm of my hips

In this brown skinned being wealth is created
The colour of my skin is brown 

And yet the title given to my race is “Black” 

Black is beautiful 

Black is authoritative 

Black is sophisticated 

They thought by calling black would break me but they have made me more powerful than ever

The colour of my skin is brown and I am proud to be called black

Dear…

Dear Child of God
You have put yourself through so much. 

Allowing a  mere taste of the world to draw you away from you Father.

Thinking that the world is all you need

How you assume that if you find peace in the world then  all will fall into place.

You run around clueless of who you are,

The authority you carry, you have forgotten that you have been given dominion over this world…

Child of God you are not ment to struggle with anything that is in the world.

You have been made in the image and likeness of your almighty Father.

You are fearfully and a wonderfully made in the eyes of God Himself.

He knew you before He created you in your mother’s womb.

Child of God no where in God’s plans did He say you shall  suffer but instead  you shall  have hope and prosper in the future.

The world and it’s empty promises don’t come close to what God has promised you.

Trust in God’s plan for you and acknowledge Him in all you do He will direct your paths.

Moghel you are more than just breasts and ass 

When God made you,

He took His time…

He let man fall asleep 

Took a bone that protected man’s life 

And moulded you into a perfect master piece with it.
Beyps you are not piece of item that has to be shown off by someone who doesn’t know your real worth…

You are beyond precious 

Not even the wealth of the entire world comes close to your how much you are worth…

Woman you were created by the creator Himself to carry and give birth to every single creation He thought of.
Sweetheart you are so much stronger than you think you are.

You have been beaten, raped and labelled  horrible names and yet you rise up even stronger than ever

You wear your scars as if they were them most precious stones on earth.

You bear it all so they don’t have to

No matter how painful or bad things are you still carry yourself so elegantly like you’ve got the world’s riches in your hands
Baby girl you don’t need to be part of the crowd to be seen 

You are more than the latest fashion and trends

Your so called squad doesn’t define who you are

How you can get a man to buy you doesn’t make you beautiful 

That hair and make up  doesn’t cover up what’s pretty or ugly inside

You are stronger and content when you know who you are and have accepted your flaws and are willing to change only for you.

 

You are a woman 

A masterpiece created by the Creator Himself 

Unapologetic for who she is and why she’s here

Unashamed to bare it all for everyone to see 

Loyal to the royal within

A queen in her own right.

We were good together.

Like two peas in a pod.

You got me

And I got you.

The perfect partners in crime…

We fell in love

And we loved hard

Till one couldn’t love the other anymore…

Consumed by life and it’s different flavours 

We grew apart 

Became total strangers 

We both thought we found love in different places 

Yet something always pulled us back.

Just not to each other.

So we shied away from love 

We participated in the occasional hook ups….

But we didn’t hook up with each other

Spent meaningless time with meaningless people 

Trying to fill that void we knew no one else could.

All it took was one drunk night

One simple night spent with a “supposed” meaningless person led to

A morning that was ment to be filled with guilt and regret

Turned into a moment of jubilee 

A moment where true love finally conquered…

Finally reunited!

Till it hit us both

“How many times have you done this?”

“Are you with someone? ”

“Why didn’t you call?”

“Did you even miss me?”

Overwhelmed with guilt and wondering should we try again .

Somehow we just knew that we it just wouldn’t work out….

But we went for it

The odds were against us

And the evens were for us 

Destined for tragedy we took the wide open road to dooms ville 

Fooled each other and called ourselves rebels

We Were rebels that walked happily into a trap called heartbreak .

You found me and I was still urging to taste the variety flavours… 

You saw a future and I saw convenience

You wanted love and I just couldn’t give it anymore…

You walked away and I pretended it didn’t phase me

Yea we were rebels alright 

So much for a happily ever after 

For me that is

As I watch the one I love, fall in love with someone else…

The dreams they sold us…

The dreams they sold us…

I hope there’s a return policy.
I didn’t buy them willingly
I  didn’t know I was even buying them
No one mentioned anything about selling dreams
If I knew they were for sale I wouldn’t have bought any I mean who want this:

I remember being told that I could be anything that I wanted to be, that I could be all that I aspire to be that if I reached high enough I would be able to touch the stars…
But the stars I’m reaching for are my Chuck Taylor All Stars,
I’m aspiring have nice life problems
And all I want to be is financially secure…

My teachers use to tell me if you work hard enough you’ll get into university then graduate and have the job of your dreams earning a big fat cheque driving the most luxurious car you want
Well so much for driving that car because I’m trying to drive the brokeness out of my life
Living from cheque to cheque with that degree I was told to get…
I’m out here watching high school drop out living it up in burbs…
My hard work isn’t really compensating me the way it should I think a refund should be in order…

Remember when bae would  hold your hand, look you in the eyes and say,
” baby you the only one for me”
“My love we are going to be together forever”
” baby it us against the world ”
And yea you were the only one… the only one in your neighbourhood actually,
The forever they spoke about usually  lasted 3 months
Us against the world… more like us against each other

So much for living the dream,
Now you just want to stay in the dream by sleeping…

You could still believe in love…
Nah, that’s some bullshit fairytale stuff

And this whole school situation like someone need to give us a guide stating  how to make it in life with a degree

These dreams y’all sold us,
You can have them back.

The Life of Convenienceย 

Life made easy.

Life made simpler.
Life made convenient.
It’s the life we live…
A life where easy made us lazy
Simpler made us stupid
And…
Convenient made us settle for less…
A life we chose and said hard work doesn’t pay off because of corruption,
Where you take short cuts and just blackmail your way to the top,
And as long as you get a big fat cheque at the end of the month then it doesn’t matter who gets hurt…
Life as we know it.
Life as we see it
The life that we choose to live…
A life of convenience.
A life where dreams are shattered
And you have to fight for what’s already yours,
Where money is more important than human life,
And every single lazy uneducated person believes the world owes them something so they are entitled to take it…
This is the life of convenience that you chose,
Where it’s kill or be killed
Look the other way when they are torturing you own brother or sister,
Where you have to pay the same people who cause harm around you for safety.
This is the life of convenience that our elders fought for.
The same convenient life that has taught you to trust no one  not even yourself.
That if you help someone out of the goodness of your heart you will be paid back with pain
Where in order to move up in life someone has to fall…
That’s the convenient life we keep advertising to our kids by saying it’s ok to,
Kidnap young girls and sell them or the body parts to get ahead in life.
Like it really is ok to beat up innocent people just show everyone that you have the power to.
And its really  and I mean really is ok to steal food out of poor childrens month’s because  you need it more because your life is far more important…
This is the life of convenience that we live,
A life filled with greed, corruption, fear, involuntary imprisonment and pain.
All because it’s easier to look the other way, pretend that nothing is wrong and allow yourself to be put in a prison of convenience…
If this is what convenience has to offer then
I don’t want a convenient life.

I am…

I am worth more than a bottle of moรซt…

Fact that I don’t even know what it tastes like, should tell you…
My body can’t be be bought by alcohol so…
Don’t bother asking, “how many drinks will it take to get home with me”
 You can try taking me to an expensive restaurant,
But I’m just gonna end up ordering fries coz your bougie broke ass lifestyle doesn’t live up to the fine elegant taste I  have called plain and simple…
I am worth more than a bottle of ciroc…
Boo I don’t need spirits in the form of a beverage coz I got the Holy Spirit and that’s more than enough.
Buying me clothes won’t do shit you’ll probably get the wrong size either way
And don’t think waving cash in my face will get me all excited coz not even manhood could do a proper job…
 Like I said,
I’m worth more than a bottle of henessy…
Don’t assume every girl in a weave, with makeup wearing a tight short dressing is:
Dumb enough to go home with you
Materialistic enough to get excited over  things you buy them
Or naive to believe the bullshit you whisper in her ear…
Everyone has a price…
But
Not everyone is bought with alcohol…
If you gonna try challenge us then,
Try seeing how further you can make  me think and not how further I can bend over.
Instead seeing how quickly you can get me to bed, see how quick I can learn about your field of work.
Rather then worrying about how my moaning  motivates you, how about you motivate me get that education….
Don’t complain about how my school work is taking up our time for Netflix and chill… my guy increase our time together by creating Study and Chill….
My education, values,  morals or self worth aren’t worth  “a bottle”…
So don’t assume I can be bought
Because assumptions make an ass out of you and me…
I am worth more than just a bottle… 

My Dealer

I fell for it…

I allowed my emotions to get the better of me.
Once again I let my heart do all the thinking.
Time and time I keep telling myself that it won’t happen…
Not again,
not anymore.
But there it is…
My heart jumping first in the firing line.
My entire being so eager to get that fix called heartbreak…
It’s like I encourage this emotional mutilation.
Like I want you to break me all over again….
This back and forth,
Let’s start of as friends,
One minute you here next you gone situation kills me.
I no longer get bruised easily I just break into a billion pieces.
The mere thought of you sends me into an emotional ICU.
Sad part is I look forward to that high called heartbreak…
It’s the only way I still get something,
Feel something from you…
You are the only one who can give me that fix and you still fail at it.
You couldn’t succeed in keeping me
And you can’t succeed in giving me heartbreaks…
I keep asking myself what it is i need to do.
I’m addicted to you breaking up with me
You hurting me
You constantly disappointing me…
I looked forward to all of that…
It gave me an all time high,
It kept me connected to you….
And now?
Now I’m all alone
You found new addict to break now that I’m broken beyond repair…